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Re: A few random jokes

Posted: Thu Jan 10, 2008 5:13 am
by MysteryFCM
Isn't this how George Bush's conversations usually go? ... 76#p138176


Re: A few random jokes

Posted: Thu Jan 10, 2008 5:44 am
by Noyb
MysteryFCM wrote:Isn't this how George Bush's conversations usually go? ... 76#p138176


Need for Speed
A man forgot a very important anniversary.
His wife told him, "Tomorrow when I come home I better see something in the driveway that will go from zero to 200 in five seconds."

The next day when she came home there it was right in the middle of the driveway...A bathroom scale.

The next day he received his divorce papers.

Re: A few random jokes

Posted: Fri Jan 11, 2008 7:53 pm
by Noyb
Drop Off
A drunk is driving through the city and his car is weaving violently all over the road. A cop pulls him over.
"So," says the cop to the driver, "where have you been?"

"I've been to the pub," slurs the drunk.

"Well," says the cop, "it looks like you’ve had quite a few."

"I did all right," the drunk says with a smile.

"Did you know," says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms, "that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?"

"Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk. "For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf."

Re: A few random jokes

Posted: Sun Jan 20, 2008 3:10 am
by Noyb
Hole in the Ground
Two good old boys were out hunting and, as they are walking along, they came upon a huge hole in the ground. They approached it and were amazed by the size of it.
The first hunter said, " Wow! That's some hole. I can't even see the bottom. I wonder how deep it is?"

The second hunter said, " I don't know. Let's throw something down and listen and see how long it takes to hit bottom."

The first hunter said, " There's this old transmission here. Give me a hand and we'll throw it in and see".

So they picked it up and carried it over, and counted one, two, three, and heaved it into the hole.

They were standing there listening and looking over the edge when they heard a rustling sound in the brush behind them. As they turned around they saw a goat come crashing through the brush, run up to the hole, and without hesitation, jump in headfirst.

While they were standing there looking at each other, looking in the hole, and trying to figure out what that was all about, an old farmer walked up.

"Say there," said the farmer, "You fellers didn't happen to see my goat around here anywhere, did you?"

The first hunter said " Funny you should ask. We were just standing here a minute ago and a goat came running out of the bushes doin' about a hunert miles an hour and jumped headfirst into this here hole!"

And the old farmer said, " Why, that's impossible. I had him chained to an old transmission! "

Re: A few random jokes

Posted: Mon Jan 21, 2008 5:43 pm
by Noyb
Middle Age Meltdown
A woman on her 40th birthday was looking in the mirror and was feeling sorry for herself.
She turned to her husband and said..."Honey, tell me something that is good about me. My hair is turning white, my clothes are starting to shrink, what doesn’t hurt doesn’t work, and my bosom is not where it should be and neither is life. Please tell me something about me that is still good."

He said. "Well, at least your eye sight is still 20/20!"

Re: A few random jokes

Posted: Thu Jan 24, 2008 1:01 am
by Noyb
Flushed Out
Did you hear that someone broke into our local police station and stole the toilet?
Right now the cops have nothing to go on.

Re: A few random jokes

Posted: Thu Jan 24, 2008 5:38 pm
by daveshrop

Sounds better spoken that written!

Re: A few random jokes

Posted: Thu Jan 24, 2008 5:42 pm
by Noyb
LOL :lol:
Chili Bowl
Arty went into a restaurant and ordered a bowl of chili.
The waitress responded: :"sorry we just gave our last bowl to the guy over there."

She pointed to a sick looking man. Arty walked over to the man and sat down. "are you going to eat that?"

The man shook his head and pushed it toward him. About half way through the bowl Arty saw a dead rat and threw up in the bowl.

The man said:"Ya. That's about as far as I got, too."

Re: A few random jokes

Posted: Sat Jan 26, 2008 12:54 am
by Noyb
Another Pullover Joke
A cop pulled over a car that was weaving all over the road. The cop went up to the car and knocked on the window, and the driver rolled it down. The cop said, "Sir, have you been drinking tonight?" The driver said, "Nope."
So the cop said, "Well, sir, I'm going to need you to take a breathing test." The driver said, "I can't, officer; I'm an asthmatic."
So the cop said, "Well then, I'll need you to take a blood test." The driver said, "I can't, officer; I have low blood pressure."
So the cop said, "Okay, then I'll need you to walk along this line." The driver said, "I can't, officer; I'm drunk."

Re: A few random jokes

Posted: Sat Jan 26, 2008 1:20 am
by Noyb
I found this one over at vtel57's Cabin in the Woods.
Traffic Stop
A Highway Patrolman in Phoenix, Arizona, pulled a car over and told the driver that because he had been wearing his seatbelt, he had just won $5,000 in the statewide safety competition.

"What are you going to do with the money?" asked the policeman.

"Well, I guess I'm going to get a driver's license," the driver answered.

"Oh, don't listen to him," yelled the woman in the passenger seat. "He's a smart aleck when he's drunk."

This woke up the guy in the back seat, who took one look at the cop and moaned, "I knew we wouldn't get far in a stolen car."

At that moment, there was a knock from the trunk and a voice called out, "Have we crossed the border yet?"

Re: A few random jokes

Posted: Sat Jan 26, 2008 8:43 pm
by Noyb
Florida Trip
A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier. Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules, so the husband left Minnesota and flew to Florida on Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day.

The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an email to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address, and without realizing his error, sent the email.

Meanwhile, somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. He was a minister who was called home to glory following a heart attack. The widow decided to check her email expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she screamed and fainted.

The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:

To: My Loving Wife
Subject: I've Arrived
Date: October 16, 2005

I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones. I've just arrived and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then! Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.

> > P.S. Sure is hot down here

Re: A few random jokes

Posted: Mon Jan 28, 2008 6:05 am
by Noyb
Nice Drive
A recent study found the average American golfer walks about 900 miles a Year.

Another study found American golfers drink, on average, 22 gallons of beer a Year.

That means, on average, American golfers get about 41 miles to the gallon.

Re: A few random jokes

Posted: Mon Jan 28, 2008 9:44 pm
by Noyb
addonsfan wrote:(joke removed to make room for next one)
I don't get it. =P~


A cowboy from Texas gets pulled over by an Arizona DPS Trooper for speeding.
The trooper started to lecture the cowboy about his speeding, and in general began to throw his weight around to try to make the cowboy feel uncomfortable.

Finally, the trooper got around to writing out the ticket. As he was doing that, he kept swatting at some flies that were buzzing around his head.

The cowboy says, "Y'all havin' some problem with them circle flies?" The trooper stopped writing the ticket and said, "Well yeah, if that's what they're called. But I've never heard of circle flies."

"Well, sir," the cowboy replies, "circle flies hang around ranches. They're called circle flies because they're almost always found circling around the back end of a horse."

The trooper says, "Oh," and goes back to writing the ticket.

But, a moment later he stops and asks, "Are you callin' me a horse's behind ?"

"No, sir," the cowboy replies, "I have too much respect for law enforcement to call ya a horse's behind."

"That's a good thing," the trooper says and goes back to writing the ticket.

After a long pause, the cowboy, in his best Texas drawl says, "Hard to fool them flies though!"

Re: A few random jokes

Posted: Mon Jan 28, 2008 11:27 pm
by addonsfan
Noyb did you tell me this one? it sounded familiar when I found it.

Tooth Pulling

A man and his wife entered a dentist's office.
The wife said, "I want a tooth pulled. I don't want gas or Novocain because I'm in a terrible hurry. Just pull the tooth as quickly as possible."

"You're a brave woman," said the dentist. "Now, show me which tooth it is."

The wife turns to her husband and says: "Open your mouth and show the dentist which tooth it is, dear."

Re: A few random jokes

Posted: Mon Jan 28, 2008 11:28 pm
by Noyb

I don't think so...I didn't recognize it.

Re: A few random jokes

Posted: Mon Jan 28, 2008 11:33 pm
by addonsfan
A wrinkle in time

A little girl got on her grandpa's lap and said, "Did God make me?"
"Yes," the grandpa replied.

"Did God make you too?"

"Yes," the grandpa said.

"Well," the little girl said, while running her fingers down his wrinkles and looking at his thinning hair, "He sure is doing a better job nowadays!"

Re: A few random jokes

Posted: Mon Jan 28, 2008 11:44 pm
by Noyb
Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
[ no, really ]? Nothing gets by these folks!

Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
[now that's taking things a bit far]!

Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
[what a guy]!

Miners Refuse to Work after Death
[no-good-for-nothin' lazy so-and-sos]!

Juvenile Court to try Shooting Defendant
[see if that works any better than a fair trial]!

War Dims Hope for Peace
[I can see where it might have that effect!]

If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile
[you think]?

Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
[who would have thunk it]!

Enfield (London) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
[they may be on to something]!

Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges
[you mean there's something stronger than duct tape]?

Man Struck By Lightning Faces Battery Charge
[he probably IS the battery charge]!

New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
[weren't they fat enough]?

Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
[That's what he gets for eating those beans!]

Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
[Chainsaw Massacre all over again!]

Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
[Boy, are they tall!]

Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
[Did I read that sign right ?]

Re: A few random jokes

Posted: Tue Jan 29, 2008 1:00 am
by Noyb
New Taxi Driver
A man in a taxi cab taps the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question. The driver screams bloody murder, loses control of the cab, and swerves onto the sidewalk before stopping just inches from a lamppost.

After checking to make sure the passenger is OK, the driver says "I'm sorry, but you scared the daylights out of me!"

"Sorry. I didn't realize a simple tap on the shoulder would freak you out so much," the passenger says.

"It's not your fault," replies the cabbie.

"Today is my first day on the job after 25 years of driving a hearse."

Re: A few random jokes

Posted: Tue Jan 29, 2008 1:33 am
by Noyb
A fireman and his wife had two twin boys. They named one of them Jose. What did they name the other boy?

Hose B.

Re: A few random jokes

Posted: Tue Jan 29, 2008 2:10 am
by addonsfan
"Hose B" :lol: :lol: